, you're missing out. But that's not my point. Every week, Bill closes the show with a segment called "New Rules" which he usually uses to point out a few of the myriad absurdities that can be found in this crazy world. This week was the last show for the season and the humor actually gave way to sentiment for a flickering moment. I just had to share part of it.
We're Americans. We built the Golden Gate Bridge and Hoover Dam and Joan Rivers. We're the only country that can look at a sandwich made of ice cream and chocolate cookies covered in fudge and think, "Ah, you think we could fry that?"
And you know what? YES, WE CAN!
They may have 72 virgins, but we have 31 Flavors.
You know what our favorite burger topping is? Another burger!
We invented rock 'n' roll, jazz, funk, R&B, and hip-hop. Without our music, your iPods would be filled with ABBA, Menudo and Men At Work. And you wouldn't have iPods.
Not only did we create the Internet, we're the ones who filled it up with porn.
Jefferson lived here. And Miles Davis and Mark Twain and Frank Lloyd Wright and a lot of other people Sarah Palin never heard of.
In America, strippers and Disney stars have an equal right to be named "Hannah Montana."
And I was freely able to make a movie saying there's no afterlife, and you could watch it while eating crap that'll kill you. But, that's okay, because our corn-fed high school sophomores are bigger than your soldiers, and they're better armed.
I ask you, in what other nation would they tax young people to make sure old people can afford erections?
What you call "football," we call "soccer." And what you call "war crimes," we call "football."
So, let me just say it again: we elected a black guy, and it was because he was the best candidate. Not because it was some cheap gimmick. And we should know, because we are also the country that invented cheap gimmicks.
Yes, America is like Jessica Simpson. Sometimes it's so stupid it embarrasses you, but, on the other hand, how about them titties?!
For those of you who don't watch 
My Discover card doesn't expire till October of 2009. Even so, Discover did not hesitate to send me a new card 
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